


Don't you ever leave me alone

by pigalle



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode: s01e09 Saviour Unknown, M/M, Panic Attacks, Trauma, based on the trailer for ep 9, philip-centric, written pre-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:06:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8817928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigalle/pseuds/pigalle
Summary: When he heard the shot and saw Lukas falling everything was happening too quickly. It felt like hours passed before he could get himself to move. And even as he did he couldn’t get to Lukas fast enough.The picture of Lukas flying off his back flashed before his eyes, interchanging with his view of Lukas laying dead-still in the water. Philip couldn’t even worry about the killer, that he could shoot him too. All that mattered was that he got to Lukas quick enough.When the FBI lady came running, it was already too late. Philip had gotten Lukas out of the water, but she was too late. He’d already been shot, because the killer found them. It was Philip’s fault. If only he hadn’t forced Lukas to tell…





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ttile is from _The War_ by Syml.

When he heard the shot and saw Lukas falling everything was happening too quickly. It felt like hours passed before he could get himself to move. And even as he did he couldn’t get to Lukas fast enough.

The picture of Lukas flying off his back flashed before his eyes, interchanging with his view of Lukas laying dead-still in the water. Philip couldn’t even worry about the killer, that he could shoot him too. All that mattered was that he got to Lukas quick enough.

When the FBI lady came running, it was already too late. Philip had gotten Lukas out of the water, but she was too late. He’d already been shot, because the killer found them. It was Philip’s fault. If only he hadn’t forced Lukas to tell…

She didn’t have to pry Lukas from Philip’s grip to begin CPR, even if he didn’t want to let go. His muscles were like gone, completely slack, listened to him as well as he could hear his surroundings.

He distantly felt the weight of Lukas being pulled from his lap, and the pressure of a blanket being put around his shoulders. Someone tried to talk to him, but he couldn’t hear a thing, only how their lips moved silently. They managed to get Philip into a standing position and tried leading him towards an ambulance. Philip tried moving his legs, but he couldn’t feel them, and then Helen was there, taking over from the person. Philip sagged against her, and felt her chest moving as she spoke, but still could not hear a word.

Somehow Helen managed to get him to her car and strap him into the front seat, but he couldn’t recall how. The car shook as it moved down a dirt road, the surroundings passing by in silence.

They were out on a real road when all sounds crashed back.

“-need to know what happened. But I’m taking you to the hospital first, the ambulance is already on it’s way there.”

Philip took a gulping breath and choked when it didn’t fill his lungs, wanting all sounds gone again. It was so overwhelming.

“Philip, are you okay?” Helen asked, her voice heavenly soothing to focus on.

He wanted to speak, tell her he was fine, but he couldn't get enough air into his lungs to manage it.

“Philip, focus on my voice, breath in time with it, okay? In, and out. In, and out. Breath just like that. In, and out.”

Philip followed her, feeling how air begun filling his lungs again, and strength flowed back to his muscles.

“Is he alive?” Philip croaked out when his breathing returned to normal.

“Yeah, he’s alive,” Helen said in a soothing voic _ e,  _ putting a hand on Philip's leg. “He will be alright, you’ll see.”

~~~~~

When they got to the hospital — and after a bit of waiting — a nurse had a look at Philip and declared him fine, having only gone into shock. After, Helen didn’t insist on them going home or to the police station, but instead brought them to a waiting room, where Bo was sitting. Helen walked over to him, so Philip reluctantly followed. He knew Bo didn’t particularly like him, and he was one of the last people Philip wanted to talk to right now.

Helen sat down beside Bo and asked him something, so Philip sat down next to her, staring down at the floor. With enough fantasy it was possible to see shapes and patterns in the linoleum, but Philip could only see one scene play out in front of him — Lukas falling from his bike and landing in the water.

~~~~~

When Gabe came Philip had be so zoned out he had no idea how long time had passed. Bo was gone, and Helen was reading in a magazine.

“How is he?” Gave asked and sat down beside Philip.

“He’s out of surgery,” Helen replied, looking up from the magazine, “they managed to stabilize him. Bo is with him now.”

“That’s good.”

“Is he awake?” Philip asked, almost not loud enough to be heard, after silence had stretched out too long.

He didn’t get a reply right away, and when he did, Helen sounded apologetic. “No.”

“How are you doing, though?” Gave asked, so fatherly it hurt deep inside Philip.

He couldn’t really answer; he didn’t know how he felt. There was conflict churning in his stomach, and his head was pounding with fear — for both Lukas and himself. He wanted this to be over, but Lukas couldn’t remember how the killer looked, and Philip couldn’t say anything because he hadn’t been there… Philip wanted to yell the truth at Helen, but he knew he would betray Lukas trust if he did, and he just couldn’t do that.

Maybe Gabe sensed Philip’s internal conflict, or maybe something had shown on his face, because Gabe laid an arm around Philip’s shoulders and pulled him close in a sideway hug.

~~~~~

Bo came back a little later, looked at Philip and nodded before sitting back down in his seat.

“Do you want to go alone?”

Philip looked up from the floor to stare at Helen. What did she mean?

“Do you want to go see Lukas alone, or should we come along?” she elaborated.

He shook his head and stood up. He had to see Lukas alone. He had no clue to how he would react when he saw Lukas, and they couldn’t be there for that.

“We’ll wait here,” Helen smiled.

“He’s not awake,” Bo grunted, just as Philip was walking away, so he barely heard it.

Lukas wasn’t awake.

~~~~~

Lukas really wasn’t awake.

He was hooked up to several machines, looking so fragile in the hospital bed. Philip had to sit down in the chair next to the bed to keep from collapsing. It was his fault Lukas was here right now, his fault that the killer knew who Lukas was. It should have been him instead of Lukas, should have been him who the killer recognize. He was the one the killer had seen, so why did this have to happen like this?

Philip took Lukas’ left hand in his own, holding onto it. He had to make sure Lukas was still there, that  he was still alive.

“I love you, Lukas, please wake up.”

~~~~~

The first day after Helen didn’t demand Philip goes to school, instead she let him stay at home, which made Gabe smile a big smile when she told Philip about it at breakfast. But the next day, she wanted him to try. She thought it would do him good, get something to do, and see his friends. Philip didn’t have to energy to tell her he doesn’t have any friends at school, but told her he’d go if she drove him. She seemed happy enough about that, and so Philip found himself outside of school, merely two days after Lukas had been shot.

Every fiber of his being told him to turn around, to get back in Helen’s car and not leave her side. He was so scared that the killer would find him, that he would figure out Philip had also been in the cabin. A small part of him tried to reason that if the killer did,he would have shot Philip too that day.

When he had decided that he would turn back, Helen had already drove off, so he forced himself to walk into school. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.

~~~~~

He had been utterly wrong. People kept staring at him, giving him these strange looks, and he couldn’t concentrate for one second on his school work.

It had spread like wildfire that Lukas had been shot, and with it the fact that Philip had been there too. Several people looked like they wanted to ask Philip about it, but he kept his gaze down, mostly just seeing the floor all day.

~~~~~

On the third day Philip couldn’t bother to stay after lunch, and left. He’s much rather be with Lukas, like he had after school the other days when Bo wasn’t there.

Kamilah gave him a smile when he passed her. She had been there every time Philip came, seeming to take much more serious to her assignment to guard Lukas after what had happened. It was as if she blamed herself. Philip almost wanted to tell her it wasn’t her fault, it was his fault.

There wasn’t any change in Lukas condition, as Philip noticed right away. He was still not awake, with the various machines blinking or beeping next to the hospital bed. It was hard for Philip to watch it, take it in that it was Lukas laying there. It was surreal and terrifying, and every time Philip entered he wanted to bail, to turn right back around and walk out of the room. But he couldn’t make himself do it. He had to be there, to make sure Lukas was still alive, that there was a chance he would wake up. So he did as always — sat down in the chair and waited for Helen to come by later to pick him up and bring him home.

~~~~~

The door to the room opened way too early for it to be Helen. Philip looked up and saw Rose standing there, the door ajar in front of her.. She looked hesitant about entering and was chewing on her lower lip in a way Philip thought she wasnät aware of. When Philip didnät say anything — neither a protest or an acceptance — she entered the room and closed the door behind herself.

“How is he?”

Philip couldn’t bring himself to answer — not because he resented her or anything of that character,m but because he felt slightly guilty and didn’t know how to act around her. SHe had never seemed to like him, and Philip had helped her boyfriend — ex-boyfriend — to cheat on her. It didn’t matter that she didn’t know, Philip didn’t particularly want to interact with her.

“I know about you guys.”

Philip whipped his head up to look at her in chock. There was no way she could know, no way she could have found out. She couldn’t have, because if she had, it meant to killer could also find out. Philip was terrified of the prospect.

“What?” Philip managed to choke out, but failed to hide his fright.

“I figured it out,” Rose explained, “when Lukas broke up with me, there was something in the way he did it, the things he said. After that he hung out so much with you, and I just put it all together. Did you really think you were that sneaky about it?”

Philip didn’t want to panic, he really didn’t, but if what Rose said was true, how easy wouldn’t it be for the killer to figure it out too? How long would it take then before he realised that Philip had been the one who was in the cabin with Lukas, not Tommy.

“Why are you freaking out?” Rose’s voice was distant, too much the way all the sounds had been when Lukas had been shot. “Hey, Philip, are you okay?”

He managed to shake his head, somehow, even though he hadn’t told his body to do it.

“What does it matter? I thought Lukas was the one who didn’t want anyone to know? You are aware people at school already thinks you’re gay, right?”

Philip hadn’t been aware, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what people thought about him, not as longs as he was safe from the killer.

“Are you involved in the reason Lukas was shot? Is that why you’re freaking out?”

There was a hand on his shoulder, and for one fearful moment Philip flinched, wrenching himself away from Rose’s touch. He knew it was ridiculous, but he was like a frightened animal, in full fledge escape mood.

“You can’t say anything!”

Rose raised her eyebrows at Philip’s outburst but didn’t say anything.

“He will find me, you can’t say anything. You can’t.”

Rose eventually nodded, but the look on her face screamed out how much she didn’t want to, her protest, how much she didn’t agree with Philip.

As long as she wouldn’t say anything Philip didn’t care.

~~~~~

After Rose left Philip sat in the silence and stared at Lukas’ face. He didn’t want reality to catch up with him, didn’t want the wake-up call or the cold water in his face. He wanted Lukas to be okay, he wanted Lukas to be safe, and he wanted himself to be safe.

“Please, Lukas, you have to wake up.”

He looked so vulnerable, so still and unreal with the tube in his mouth. Philip had to constantly remind himself that Lukas was still alive, or else he wouldn’t believe it.

Tears prickled in his eyes, and he furiously tried to blink them away. “Please, Lukas, I love you.” He bent forward and kissed Lukas’ cheek, and when he pulled back movement caught his eyes.

Bo was standing in the doorway, his face a mix of different things rendering it completely unreadable to Philip.

He only knew that he didn’t want to have to deal with Bo right now, not like this.

Bo stepped further into the room, slowly, with calculating moves. His voice was slow and cold when he said, “I think you should leave now.”

Philip wanted to protest, wanted to explain, but Bo’s clenched jaw scared Philip. He’d seen that look too many times to risk anything.

He was up and slipping past Bo within seconds.

~~~~~

He walked home alone, not even wanting to wait for Helen. He couldn’t stay there, couldn’t let anyone see him. If they did they would talk to him, ask what was wrong, and he just wanted to be alone.

~~~~~

He didn’t dare go back to the hospital again, in case Bo would be there or if he would come. Maybe he’d even told Kamilah not to let Philip in. He couldn’t face that reality, so instead he stayed home.

The first day after he didn’t go to school. When Helen tried to force him the day after that he fled to his room and locked the door. He couldn’t face reality. Not today, not ever. Not without Lukas by his side.

~~~~~

When, on the third day, Philip got down to eat lunch, he thought he was alone in the house. But he’d only heated up some food when Helen entered the kitchen, looking like a woman on a mission. As the microwave beeped she sat down at the table, clearly showing Philip that he had no way out of this conversation.

“I know you haven’t been to visit Lukas in few days, and you’re acting weird. Whatever you’re hiding from me, I need you to tell me now.”

Philip stilled with the fork halfway up to his mouth. There really wasn’t any way he could get out of this, was it?

“And I saw your text to Lukas,” Helen added, and Philip’s heart stopped. She knew? “I saw that photo, the one where you were kissing.”

“You can’t tell anyone!” The words were out of his mouth before he could even react, like a reflex trying to hide Lukas’ secret.

“Gabe already knows, he saw you sneaking down to Lukas.”

“But you can’t tell anyone, Lukas doesn’t want—”

“I’m not asking about Lukas now,” Helen interrupted him, “I’m asking what you are hiding from me.”

“I can’t, Lukas—”

“Philip!” Philip flinched at her loud voice, and she looked apologetic about if for a second before she continued. “You need to tell me what it is you are hiding. You can’t keep it a secret from me anymore.”

Philip gulped and let the words rush out before he could think against it. “I was there in the cabin.”

Helen looked taken aback, as if that wasn’t what she had expected. “Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Lukas didn’t want anyone to know we were there.” His voice was so small he was surprised Helen could even hear him at all.

“Why? It’s not your fault you witnessed the homicide, that nothing you have to—”

“That’s not… what he was worried about.” Philip heard the bitterness in his voice, all the repressed feelings about how Lukas had dealt with it. He didn’t blame Lukas, not anymore, but the feelings hadn’t disappeared.

“Oh.” Helen leaned back in her seat, putting the pieces together. After a few moments awkward silence she asked, “Do you think you would recognize the killer?”

Philip nodded determined. He would recognize him anywhere, the killer’s face was etched into his mind after that time on the buss. “Yeah, he almost saw me in the cabin, and then I saw him later, on a buss. I can’t forget his face.”

“Okay, I’ll show you a line-up, see if you can recognize any of them.” She stood up and reached for her jacket.

“Right now?” Philip asked, feeling his nerves creeping up. He hadn’t even finished his lunch yet.

“Yeah, right now,” Helen said. “But you can finish your lunch first.”

Philip frowned and pushed his plate away. He didn’t have any appetite anymore, so they could just as well go right away.

~~~~~

“If you recognize anyone of them, say so, if you don’t, we’ll pass on to the next one, okay?”

Philip nodded at Helen’s word, and squirmed in his seat. Tony was sitting behind him, and Philip could feel his eyes in his back. He didn’t really think Tony was judging him, but it felt like Tony was questioning why he hadn’t said anything before. But he kept quiet, so  Philip could almost feel relaxed.

Maybe he would have been more relaxed if he’d recognized anyone from the line up. But the killer wasn’t among them, to everyone’s frustration. Philip was sure.

~~~~~

“I’ve called the sketch artist, she will come down as soon as she can, probably later this afternoon.”

They were having breakfast all three together, although Philip was only moving his food back and forth over the plate. He hadn’t really had any appetite since yesterday, and Helen bringing it up again didn’t help.

“Has Lukas woken up?” Gabe asked around a mouthful of waffles. Philip had thought Helen would have told him by now, but apparently not.

“No,” Helen replied after having swallowed her own food. “But Philip was also there in the cabin, and he thinks he remembers what the killer looked like.”

She said it so carefree, like it wasn’t a big deal, but Gabe abruptly looked up from his pate to look first at Helen and then over at Philip. “Why haven’t you said that before?”

Philip mostly wanted the floor to open up and swallow him, so he could get away from this conversation and everything else, but instead he said, “Lukas didn’t want anyone to know.”

“About what you were doing out there?”

“Yeah.” He sank further into his seat, more than ever just wanting to curl up with his knees to his shin and hugging them tight. He wanted to disappear from the world.

“Then… why haven’t you been to visit Lukas again?”

God, he really didn’t want to answer that. But, as he kept quiet, Helen and Gabe both turned to look at him, waiting for an answer. “Bo doesn’t want me there.”

“And why doesn’t he want that?” Helen asked, her voice to carefully collected to be casual.

“He saw me kissing him, and wanted me gone.”

“I have to talk to him,” Helen said and was about to get up when Gabe stopped him with a hand on her arm.

“Hey, you can do that later, now we’re having breakfast.”

~~~~~

The sketch-artist was a nice enough woman named Cheryl Pitzker, who talked to him with a calm voice. But he didn’t feel coddled by her, rather he felt safe, and within short she had a sketch done that looked scarily alike the man Philip had seen.

“That’s him,” Philip almost whimpered, trying to keep himself from shaking.

“Are you sure?” Helen asked, looking shaken up her too.

“Yeah,” Philip replied and turned away from the sketch. “I’m sure. But you don’t believe me?”

“No, I do, I just…” she trailed off, but Philip believed what she said. “Shit. That’s Ryan.”

“Who’s Ryan?” Philip asked, now turning to her. She couldn’t actually know the killer, right?

“He’s an FBI agent, Ryan Kane.”

Philip felt his blood run cold. If the killer was and FBI agent, he had access to everything they knew about the case. Everything. Was that how he had found Lukas.

“I’m going to fix this, Philip, I promise.” She laid an arm around Philip’s shoulders in an unusually motherly gesture, and he sank into the touch. He need to feel safe, and right now Helen was his only source of the feeling. His only shelter against the world.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr: [jennypigalle](http://jennypigalle.tumblr.com) and [pigalleonwattpad](http://pigalleonwattpad), where you can always find a reblogable post about the work.


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